Plot? What Plot?
by That One Name That You Forgot
Summary: Meet Klover Potter. Fem!Harry. She's gay as hell and ready to take Hogwarts by storm. She's the Huffliest Puff there is, and she plans to get out of Hogwarts as alive as she went in, screw anyone who messes with that. "Who the fu** is Voldeywhore? Why does Professor Quirrel seem like he wants to rape me? WHY'RE ALL THE TEACHERS OBLIVIOUS MORONS?" and so on. Probably some bashing
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is the rewrite of my other story. This story takes place in the 2000's rather than the original Harry Potter story's timeline. Enjoy!**

With a groan I stretched out my limbs as I woke up. My hands and feet almost immediately hit walls, and I frowned. ' _Fucking hell, I'm getting too goddamn tall for this shit.'_ I rolled over and yelped as I fell off my cot-bullshit-bed-thing. Good lord I hate this shitty thing. Sitting up and mumbling curses, I opened my eyes and glared at the wall in front of me. "Stupid fucking closet being so tiny, lucky I'm not fricking claustrophobic..." I mumbled. I was waiting for a response when I remembered that, no, closets are not sentient beings, and no, they cannot talk. Good job Klover.

Why Klover and not Clover? Fuck you, that's why. Not really. It's simply because K is the best letter in the the world. Klover is much cooler than Clover. Call me immature, but I like it this way dammit. And there ain't nothin' you can do to change that bucko. Wait a minute, I got off track didn't I. Goodbye fourth wall, no one will miss your lousy ass!~ Alright focus time.

I stood up and looked around the small area in disdain. ' _Dammit, it's getting dirty in here again. I should probably clean.'_ I thought, wrinkling my nose in disgust. I probably wasn't going to clean if I was being honest with myself, but shhhh, don't tell future me, she'll be pissed. \Especially since there was dust all over the shelves and dirt everywhere. My closet looked like a hobbit's home minus all the food, I swear. I snorted and shook my head at my own lame joke, but scowled as my hair brushed past my face. It was long, black, and curly as fuck, and a bitch to keep nice-looking. And well shit, it was greasy. I wrinkled my nose as I realised I was covered in grime from head to toe. ' _Time to sneak into the shower again.'_ So worth getting my ass beat.

As part of my morning routine, I looked down at my chest, only to find flatness. Again. I fell to my knees in despair and wailed quietly. "Boob Fairy, why have you not blessed me yet? Were my sacrifices meaningless?" I sniffed and pretended to wipe away a tear. I guess I'd have to wait even for my tatas to grow in. And probably make another offering to the Boob Fairy. Figuring it was time to stop dicking around, I opened the door to the closet and stepped out into a hallway type thing, and then realized I was fucking blind. Turning around, I dug around until I produced a pair of glasses and put them on. Much better. I stepped back out of the closet and shut it. The house was pretty plain, but not too bad. I definitely won't design my house like this piece of shit though. I started to climb up the steps looking for signs of the other peopley persons who lived here. I heard snoring from both of their rooms and sighed in relief. Thank Jesus. I needed a shower dammit. Slipping into the bathroom, I grinned and turned towards the mirror for sexy-inspection time.

The girl in the mirror was the most badass person in the world. She was pale, had bright green eyes, and freckles across her face. She was skinny as fuck, and looked a lot like Jade Harley. This is the one reason I enjoyed how I looked. Jade Harley is one of the adorablest (it's a word, I promise) little shits in the entire fucking universe. And I had been graced to look just like her. Thank you universe, you actually managed to do something right with me. I turned to the side and wiggles my slightly curvaceous (I get bonus points for using a big kid word) hips. My amazingly sexy hips were the best. If I was actually allowed to eat, I bet they would be even better. I took another second to admire myself, before turning my back to the mirror. There's only so much shitty me I can tolerate in a day. "Well," I said calmly, "that's enough narcissism for now."

I started stripping out of the trashy clothes I called my own. ' _Damn. I look like I live in the ghetto or some shit.'_ I did a little dance as I felt cool air on my skin. Good lord above, there is nothing better than being naked. I got in and did normal shower things (I'm assuming you're not an idiot and you know how to take a shower). I stepped out and toweled myself off before looking distastefully at the pile of rags on the ground. Mmm, yeah, no. No way was I putting that shit back on. I stared at my hair for a moment before deciding to just let it do it's own thing and dry unbothered. It looked better when I did that anyways.

I wrapped the towel around me and left the bathroom. Now, you might assume that since I lived with my 'lovely' relatives, they would actually have clothes for me, right? The answer is, no, no they did not have any clothes for me. Figuring that since these fuckers were really heavy sleepers, I nicked one of Petu-Bitch's shirts and a pair of underwear, both pretty big on me. What was my plan for not getting caught? "I Don't Care If I'm Caught" was the title of my plan. Being nice and clean was worth a few hits. I took a hair tie from the bathroom and used it to keep the underwear up. I posed in front of the mirror and nodded in approval. Oh yeah. Still sexy. I would definitely hit on myself if I could.

Unfortunately, something interrupted my awesome modeling session. That something being my aunt. Shit. I picked up my disgusting rags up off the floor and headed back downstairs. Dropping them off in the closet, I looked up to see Petunia there in all her horsey glory. Poor bitch had gotten the short end of the genetic stick. I hope my mom didn't look like her. The thought makes me shudder. When she saw me standing there, her jaw dropped open and she looked completely flabbergasted. "Uh.. Hey? What's up?" I said with a wave. I prepared for my doom.

She started screeching loudly and turned red from anger, "GIRL WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CLOTHES?! WHY HAVEN'T YOU STARTED BREAKFAST?! AND WHY DID YOU TOUCH THE SHOWER YOU FREAK!"

….Holy shit. Did she break her voice box or something? That shit was loud. How does one respond to this without getting slapped. Hmm…. "Um… Magic?" I mentally patted myself on the back for my smartassery.

In this case though, that was apparently the wrong answer. Her face went white and she looked like she was just told her cat died. "What…." she said in a deadly whisper. "Er- I was sick and puked all over the place and I needed a shower and clothes." Yes lie my child! LIE, KLOVER, LIE! MWUAHAHAHAH!

Ahem. Weirdness, crawl back into your chest you lil shit. Anyways, at this statement she seemed to calm down a bit. She took a deep breath and pointed to the kitchen. "Go make breakfast now Girl." she commanded. "But I'm sick. What if Dudley catches it?" Hah. Now she'll have to send me back to my closet. Her precious douche baby couldn't dare be sick.

She wrinkled her nose as if she had smelled something horrible. "Fine. Go to your closet before you infect my Duddykins with your freakiness!"

"Looks like someone needs to get laid more, Jesus…" I muttered while sulking back into the closet.

I was actually really lucky I didn't get in worse trouble, considering I was just getting over my punishment for Dudley's birthday (totally meant to make that glass disappear on purpose). It had lasted into most of summer sadly. It had been really lonely in my closet, something I feel quite often if I'm being honest. My depression had been acting up again as well, the cherry on fucking top. I sighed and sat down on my fake bed thing. Was this all my life was ever going to be? Taking orders from the Dursleys and feeling like a piece of shit? You know, for some reason, that thought didn't make me the happiest person. Rather, I felt sick and sad. Oh hello depression, welcome back. I was hoping you were dead. Oh you were hoping I was dead too? Join the club fucko. Tears began streaming down my face and I buried my face in my crappy pillow. I was hopeless. Friendless, talking to myself, and no future to look forward to besides being beaten around by those I was supposed to love and trust.

The tears turned to sobs, and for a long time, all I could do was cry and shake into my pillow. After I had no more tears to cry, I sat up and sniffled quietly. I rubbed away my tears and took a shaky breath. "You're okay, we're okay, it's all gonna be okay… Come on babe we're too sexy for crying.." Talking to myself again. Dammit. I need some friends. I laughed at myself a little either way, I was kind of amusing. I pushed my feelings of sadness down until I couldn't feel them anymore and sat up. Who needed feelings anyways. I sure as hell didn't.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you redwolf23456 and Future Skulljockey for your reviews.**

*A Few Months Later*

I threw the ball I had stolen from Du-Retard into the air, bored out of my mind. It had been a couple of weeks since my last major freak out. I had finally managed to shove my depression right back in its tight locked dreads. It was quite obviously going to come back at some point and bite me in the nonexistent boob, but meh. I'll deal with that when it comes. Yes I realize this is an unhealthy and stupid plan. Yes I understand I should probably tell someone at school of my problems. Do I care? Fuck no. I roll as I please.

….and I may just be _slightly_ terrified that my uncle will murder the fucking hell out of me once he finds out. And I have had the shocking discovery that, life in fact, is not a perfect fucking fairytale. There will be no teacher saving their helpless student, no way too young lover finding out about everything and saving me, and no there will be no long lost relative helping my skinny ass. This is real life. Not a story.

Anyways, I've settled back into my sort of a routine here in this house of assholes after my extended punishment. When I'm out of my cupboard I'm the quietest little perfect child who does things for the Dursleys while cursing them out in my head. Since my temper really isn't the greatest, sometimes I have to retreat to my cupboard and throw things at the walls till I feel better. Said cupboard has always been my little sanctuary where I can do as I please. In here I've planned various ways to murder the hell out of my shitty relatives. I have also discovered that I'm a real life Jedi in this amazing little closet.

On one of the day's the Dursleys had left me alone in the house (it happens quite often, thank Jesus), I decided to get on the computer like I normally do. After catching up on Homestuck and sobbing my eyes out (fuck you Hussie), I stumbled across something called Star Wars. Yes, I didn't know what Star Wars was until two weeks ago, so sue my fine ass. I have the best lawyer porn can buy. Myself. Ahem, I'm off topic again aren't I? So yeah, I discovered Star Wars, yada yada, and I, like any self-respecting person, just had to try and see if I had the force. Imagine my fucking flip out when the computer monitor started floating. Like, holy shit I nearly had a seizure. Then I realized I was indeed, a fucking wizard. And I then proceeded to try and do the windy thing. Needless to say, it worked, and I had one helluva mess to clean up. But on the bright side, I am now Klover, Heir of Badassery! Bow bitches.

Ahem. Since I now know I have magical supery powers, I've been practicing it. I really love the feeling of magic flowing through me even though I have no effing clue how to really control it yet. I've been wondering if there's other shitheads out there who can do cool magical fuckery like me, and I've decided that there HAS to be at least one other person out there. It would be so lonely being the only cool bitch in the world. It has become my life goal to find others like me. So help me lord, I will find someone to share this with. I hope they have tits. I really love me a great pair of amazing, large, round- ALRIGHT I'M GETTING OFF TOPIC HERE. Huh. That seems to happen a lot doesn't it? Sorry not sorry, I don't care what you think (this is a lie please love me babes ;-;).

Oh right, I was talking about magicy magicness wasn't I? Well so far, the only things I can really do at this point is basically telekinesis and the windy thing (kind of like airbending for all you uncultured swine out there), which is pretty shizzle if I say so myself. I practice them in the closet all the time by floating things to me, since I'm too lazy to get up and grab things myself. This is actually a pretty sweet early birthday present, which should be arriving soon actually. Huzzah! Not like I'll actually get anything from the Dursley's though. Not even a goddamn cake! Oh the humanity! Oh well. I suppose I can steal some cake ingredients and make my own. I LOVE baking so much, like, holy shit, I worship pastries as a second god (Boob Fairy being the first).

Too bad my relatives don't appreciate this fact and would never in a million fucking years support my hobby. Man, I really effing hate these people sometimes. Getting slapped around and talked down to everyday really wears a person down after a while. Like damn, I try my hardest to be normal around them but they still hate my guts. Really not great on the already shitty self-esteem. Interrupting my self-pity jam session, I hear the mail pop in and sit up with a groan, managing to drag myself out of my closet. How I wish for the day that I get to use magic whenever I please. I'm too damn lazy otherwize. I picked up the stack of letters and flipped through them before a confused look crossed my face. What in the Betty-Crocker loving fuck was this? A letter, addressed to me. And holy fucko, they even knew I lived in a closet! I hesitated for a moment, before opening my closet and shoving the tan letter in, quickly shutting it. Those dicks would take that letter from me faster than I could say sassafras with a lisp. "Freak! Hurry up and bring the mail here!" I heard Vernon shout from the kitchen. Well fuck you too Vernon! Seriously, he was the biggest asshole of them all, and I hope one of these days he spontaneously combusts.

"Yeah, yeah I'm coming I'm coming motherfucker…" I growled under my breath as I walked into the room. I tossed the stack of letters on the table and immediately turned and went back to my closet. No need to stay out there longer than I had to. Not like I was getting breakfast from them anyways. I sat down on my cot thing and picked up the mysterious letter. Bouncing with excitement at my first, real, live letter, I ripped open the envelope and eagerly pulled out its contents. I scanned through the papers quickly, my eyes widening with each sentence. I probably looked like some weird alien fish shit by the end. So… Looks like my life goal just got fulfilled. There WERE other wizards out there. Enough to have and run a school too. I apparently has just been invited to said school as well. Fuck. Yes. I was gettin outta here bitches! Although, I didn't fully trust these Hogwarts people. Call me crazy but I'm a bit suspicious of people who know a child is living in a closet, and do nothing to stop it.

I glanced at the letter again and realized I had noooo effing clue as to where to get any of these supplies. I don't think I could just walk into a store and ask 'Yo bro, you got any magic shit?', and not get a stupid answer. I then had the brilliant idea to, you'll never believe it, send them a letter asking where to get this shit! Pure genius, am I right? I suppose you'll want to know what was in this letter, right? Right. Too bad if you don't.

Dear Mr. Dumbledore,

Hello Sir, it's me Klover Potter! I just received your letter about my acceptance into your school, and I'm very excited to be going! My aunt and my uncle really want to take me to get the supplies on the list you sent, so if you could please send me the address of the place we need to go, I'd be really thankful! Thank you for your time sir.

Sincerely,

Klover Potter

I've been told I come off as sweet when I write to people, and I really hope I did this time. I need him to think I'm an innocent (*snicker*) child. He doesn't need to know I'm a perverted little fucker until he actually meets me. He hasn't earned that right yet. I shoved the letter in an envelope and wrote Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore on the back. Really, I'd be surprised if there wasn't some sort of magical person at the post office. I went outside and mailed my awesome letter.

I opened the door and stepped inside and OH SHIT THERE'S A HAND SWINGING TOWARDS ME. Oh. Ow. That fucking hurt. Vernon was standing over me with a purpely pissed face, and I was on the ground obviously. The shithead and just slapped me right across the face. What a dick. "WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOING OUTSIDE WITHOUT PERMISSION GIRL?!"

Ew gross, spit was flying everywhere. My face was really hurting now and I cupped my cheek with my hand. There was a small pang in my chest as my depression rattled in its locked drawer , but I shook it off. Fuck feelings. I figured the quickest way to get out of this situation was to swallow my anger and pride and admit defeat. Good god I sicken myself. "I-I'm sorry U-Uncle, I just had t-to put a letter ba-back that had been ac-accidentally been delivered here…" I forced myself to stutter out.

He seemed to deflate a bit and, grunted with a stupid look, "Did any of the neighbors see you?"

I rolled my eyes internally. ' _Yeah, and they worshipped the ground I walk on asshat.'_ With that lovely thought. I put a pathetic look on my face and shook my head. "N-No… Nobody s-saw me…"

Vernon grunted again and pointed towards the closet. "Closet. No meals for today."

Greeeeaaatt. I didn't eat yesterday either. If I fainted, it was his goddamn fault. I stood up wobbily and hunched over, giving the impression that I was just a weak little cinnamon roll. Even though I'm not. I'm just a cinnamon roll. I 'limped' into my closet and pulled the door shut behind me, flopping on my bed with a quiet groan. I couldn't wait for Hogwarts, because, man was I sick of being beaten around.

Even though I completely deserved it for being the piece of shit I am.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I own nothing. Reviews are cool. Oh, and in case anyone asks about Klover's wand, I took a wand quiz for her.**

I gazed up and down Diagon Alley in awe as the brick archway pulled away. Holy fucking horse shit. So many things everywhere. Millions of breakable shit ripe for being destroyed by a clumsy moi. Witches and wizards bustled every which way and I felt dizzy just imagining being in that crowd. Good Lord I loved it.

Oh yeah. I should probably mention that Dumbledore sent me a response back. With the address included. So I obviously stole some money from the Dursley's and took the closest bus here. I didn't want my ugly as fuck scar showing, so I was wearing a cheap bandana. So much sexiness, I damn near fainted when I looked at my reflection in the window of the bus. Not because I was carsick. Nope. No way. Fuck you for thinking something like that. Ahem. Anyways, this place was fantabulous with glamorous sprinkled on top. So many bright colors and so much chaos. By snickerdoodles, it was by far the best thing I had ever experienced before in my life.

That's when I remembered I came here for an actual reason besides ogling like an idiot. Banking time! I began forcing my way through the crowd, slipping between old people in robes, young people in robes, weird people, and all sortsa shit. I looked up, thankful that my parents had passed on tall genes, and spotted Gringotts finally. Dumbledore had explained to me that this was the wizard bank where I had money stored away from my parents. Thanks ma and pops! I made my way up the steps and glanced at the words hanging above it with a grin. That was some pretty boss ass shit right there. Gave me the shivers, and made me afraid to even _think_ about robbing this place. I walked inside and froze because guess what the fuck I saw?! REAL. LIVE. GOBLINS.

I've died and gone to Heaven. Like. This is so fucking cool.

After I snapped out of my idiotic staring, I walked up to one of the goblins and waited until he looked down at me with a vaguely irritated look. "Can I help you?" He said.

Oh look there goes my confidence. Bye bye my sweet child, you will be missed! Ahem. Right. He asked me a question. "Um, hi. I'm Klover Potter and I was just wondering if uh, I could get a new key for my vault, and. Yeah..." I trailed off, cursing up a storm in my head for sounding like such a pussy. ' _Fucking moron! Just ask like a normal fucking person!'_

"Yes of course," he began with a greasy smile, "I'll just need a small blood sample to confirm your identity." I twitched. Oh god. Why is this happening. Fuck my life, fuck my life. Haha. Ha. I REALLY fucking hate getting blood drawn. Even if it's just one of those tiny little prick thingies. Strange really, you'd think I'd be used to it after all these years of bleeding almost constantly… Wait no depressing thoughts, go away!

"U-Uh. Right. Sure. You got like a knife thing anywhere?" I shifted from one foot to another starting to feel really uncomfortable. The goblin took out a silver needle and a golden bowl, then handed down the needle to me with the same greasy grin in place. Pfft whatever fuck him. I took the needle and squeezed my eyes shut, before poking my index finger. I shuddered at the tiny pinprick of pain and quickly set the needle down and held my finger over the the bowl.

Some misty shit starting rising up and formed into the words 'Clover Potter' I scowled at the C. I was right. Clover didn't look nearly as badass as Klover. All hail the holy K! Oh right other people were here. The goblin was looking down at me mildly surprised. "Well Ms. Potter, let me get you Griphook. He's in charge of the Potter accounts." He shouted something in another language that I assumed was calling for Griphook. A little goblin that looked vaguely unpleasant came speeding up and proceeded to have a conversation in goblin language. Well gee, thanks guys. Not like I'm standing RIGHT FUCKING HERE or anything. Then Griphook turned to me and gestured for me to follow him.

I'll spare you the boring as fuck details of me going down to my vault and filling my bag full of money. Just know I really liked flying along on the track in those carts. And that I was now richer than I had ever been before in my life. Even counting the times I'd stolen money from my asshole relatives. When I finally emerged into the street with a grin, I was ready to spend lots of money. But first, came wand. Then impulse buying. After wandering around like a moron for a while, I ended up in front of Ollivander's Wand Shop. I'm assuming they sold wands here. I don't know why. Maybe it was just a lucky guess. If you don't recognize the sarcasm, I feel bad for you. I gotta say, I was really nervous about getting a wand. I knew I wouldn't like having to funnel all my magic into one thing to perform spells, but hopefully I could fix that later. I was also super fucking curious as to what kind of wand I was going to get. Like, holy shit I wonder what they're made of!

Welp. I'd never know unless I stopped standing here like an idiot. I stepped inside and immediately tensed up at the strange and quiet atmosphere. Holy fucktrucks, this place felt creepy. I cleared my throat and called out, "Uh… Hello? Y'all here?"

I heard rustling in the back of the shop, and voila! There was the wandmaker man in all his freaky glory. "Mrs. Potter! I've been expecting you for a long time, oh yes. Come come, let me measure you." Oh yeah, that's not creepy at all, strange man I've never met. I stepped forward hesitantly anyways, and a measuring tape started measuring me all over the place, even in places that made no bitchin sense. After a bit, he returned with a large stack of boxes and a gleeful expression. "That's enough," he said and the measuring tape dropped, "Here, try this one. Cherry and Phoenix tail." I took it from him and raised it before he jacked it from my hand and shook his head. "No no, not this one.."

And so began the most ridiculously long wait of my life. He gave me wands and snatched them away almost as quickly, although I did get to explode a few things. Fuck yeah for pyromaniacness! That's a word, I swear. Oh look another wand is being shoved in my face. After he blathered some mumbo jumbo about how it was a special wand, and some guy named Voldeywhore, he handed me a Holly and Phoenix tail wand. I took it from him, and!

Nothing happened.

Huh. That's strange. No rush of magic, no warmth, no nothing. I have to admit, I was pretty confused that nothing happened. It would be the most obvious plot choice if this was a story after all that buildup. Oh wait I already stated this was real life earlier, didn't I? So this actually does make sense. Ahem. Anyways. Ollivander (I'm assuming that's his name) had this surprised look on his face and hesitantly took the wand back. Oh yeah! Points for this bitch for making him surprised! "Er- well. I suppose we'll have to keep looking then…" He said uncertainly.

Hmm.. My bullshit senses were tingling. Why was he surprised because of a wand? He didn't seem surprised earlier when the other wands hadn't worked. Was I supposed to have this wand as like, fate or some shit? Oops. Sorry universe for fucking up my fate for probably the umpteenth time. Haha, no I'm not. Wait, maybe he was actually surprised. Goddammit I think I'm overthinking this. Oh look he's handing me another box. Focuth Klover, focuth. "Holly and Dragon Heartstring, 12 inches. Very effective in hexes."

I took the wand out of the box and a feeling of warmth rushed through me. Oh. _Oh._ I felt an immediate connection with this wand. A sort of… Bond. It felt sentient. Huh. I think I'll name it Kenny. Sounds like a fitting name for something I love but will hate to use. "So… I think this is the one Mr. Man." I said after a moment of silence. He was still staring at me with a strange look. "You're different than what I expected Mrs. Potter. Very curious, very curious indeed…"

Oooh shit my weirdness was showing wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck, get back in your chest you little shit! Alright, time to wow him with my awesome social and people skills. "Haha, well this was fun and all, you'll probably need some galleons now right? Right, so lemme get them, here they are, gave a good day, Bye bye!" See, what did I tell you? He doesn't think I'm a weird shit, anymore!

….Ah hell, I'm screwed socially aren't I? Oh well, not my fault assholes, I've never had the opportunity to actually interact with people. Ah, the joys of having an abusive family~ Aren't they so great? Still not seeing the sarcasm? You have much to learn then young padawan.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: **Thanks** **for** **all** **the views guys. Review** **please**. **By the way, Hermione will probably be OOC. But then again, so is Harry. Also, trigger warnings.**

I snuck back into the house with all my bags of wizardy things. That's right. Bag. I got this shoulder bag thing that has a nifty little extension charm on it, that allows me to carry a lot of things with little weight. She's a useful lil fuck, I'll tell you that. I've decided to name her Casey. Yes, Casey. Do you not approve? Well fuck you too, Casey is way better than you anyways. Wait. You don't actually disapprove? Woops, sorry. Anyways. Where were we? Oh right, I was sneaking into my closet like a badass. I got in without the assholes noticing me and set my crap down. Haha, Vernon's gonna beat the shit out of me soon isn't he? Sure enough, I heard heavy footsteps coming down the steps and dust fell from the top of the cupboard all over the place. Great. I just fucking got around to dusting in here dammit. But no it's fine Vernon, just shit all over my hard work why don't you?

I shoved my bag under one of the shelves, and put on my pathetic little girl face that makes my stomach churn. Ugh. Just. Ugh. The door wrenched open and a thick meaty hand reached inside and yanked me out into the hallway. And now my arm really hurt and was probably going to bruise. Oh joy. Thanks Vernon. Really appreciate it. Oh god, fuck, his face is all purple again. Fuck, that means pain. "FREAK, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING OUT OF THE HOUSE?!" he screamed. Why does he feel the need to spit all over me whenever he's mad. It's disgusting. Turn down the snark you say? This is a serious situation you say? Guess what, I don't care.

"P-Please Un-Uncle! I o-only went to get gr-groceries b-because we were r-running low!" Did I mention I picked up decoy groceries and put them in the lovely Casey? No? Well I did just so you know. I'm not a complete moron. His face chilled to a nice cherry red instead of grape fucking purple. Good. Chill is good. Means less bruises. "Ask before you leave next time, Girl." he said with a glare. Oooo! I'm quaking in my (nonexistent) boots! Oh wait he wasn't done. "As punishment," he trailed off and then WOAH THAT SHARP TABLE EDGE IS WAY TOO CLOSE! Stop! Don't touch me there! This is, my no- not the right time? Alright then.

Am I tough? Hella. Am I badass? Even more hella. Did I cry like a baby when Vernon threw me at the hallway table thing and it jammed into my side? Fuck yeah I did. That shit hurt like hell. And there was probably going to be a giant ass bruise there too. Great. Perfect. Wonderful. And there were tears streaming down my cheeks as well, the fucking cherry on top. Before it could fully take hold, I squashed the self-pity that rose up in my chest. I deserved every bit of this I knew, for being the shitty person I am. "Quit yer blubbering and go put those new groceries away Girl." He said and then lumbered back up the stairs, and I briefly entertained the thought of him having a heart attack and falling down them.

Then I realized I had to get off the ground. Oh what fun. Five minutes and innumerable curses later, I was digging through Casey looking for the groceries and then putting them away robotically. I was shut down. Cold and unfeeling. 'I don't care that they hate me. I don't care that they beat me up. I don't care that I have no friends. I don't care that I'm lonely…' I chanted over and over trying to believe myself. Despite my best efforts, when I came back to my closet and sat down on my shitty bed, the familiar, god-awful, feeling of loneliness had settled into my chest. The one thing I wish I could leave behind in my life. Ya know. Besides the abusive dicks. But no, the fucker just had to constantly escape from it's locked drawer. It made me feel physically ill to be alone like this, enough that I wanted to puke and sob at the same time.

Every sharp object nearby seemed to call out to me, begging me to do things I hadn't done to myself in months. Instead, I buried my face in my pillow (what passed for a pillow at least) and forced myself to think of all the possibilities that were going to open up for me. Magic school. Hell, I could even make some friends! I let my mind wander to all the fun things that could happen in a place I hoped I wouldn't be judged in. Just a pure, clean, slate. Manufactured memories of laughing, full meals, friendly teachers, no Dursleys… A small smile worked it's way onto my face and I sat up and wiped the tears that had magically appeared away like a child would. The loneliness was still there, tugging annoyingly at my brain, but I could get through the day now. I checked the small mirror I had (you guessed it) stolen from Petu-Bitch (Petunia for those who don't get it), and my smile widened. "Still sexy babe." I whispered to my reflection.

After turning away from the mirror, I dug around for Casey and pulled several books out from her. Old habits die hard, but I was a nerd at heart and I always would be. Just another reason kids at school liked picking on me. Well fuck them too. Getting good grades was all I had at school really. Sports can suck my dick, I can't do anything athletic well besides running, and I didn't have a musical bone anywhere in my body. That is to say, I really effing suck at playing instruments. So perfect grades is all I've ever really had. Plus, bonus! I actually like reading! Yay for me! Ahem. Anyways. I got off topic here didn't I? Welp, I opened the first book and settled in to read a while.

*Look at me I'm a TimeSkip*

'Tis September 1st! I am at King Cross Station! Hallelujah! I'm away from the Douches! Double Hallelujah! I was wearing my bandana again, because that scar is fucking embarrassing. But I still looked delicious! And guess what? I was a boss ass bitch and read all my course books in only a month!

….okay that last bit isn't true. I only finished the History of Magic book and started on the other ones. I am human after all. Why History of Magic first you say? Because I love history duh. It'll probably be one of my favorite classes if I'm being honest here. So sue me, I'm a nerd. We've already established this anyways. Since we're being honest, I really want to end up Hufflepuff. Not only are they my favorite house because of their unwavering loyalty, but being fiercely loyal to those I loved was basically the only part of my personality I liked. I will be the most badass Hufflepuff ever, and break down the bullshit stereotypes about how they're weak pushovers. Seriously, some of the shit I read about them in my books makes me sick. What the fuck is wrong with being loyal, assholes? And being in that house doesn't mean you're not brave, cunning, or smart, it just means being loyal is your most defining trait. Boom bitches, suck on that!

I shoved my trolley thing through the crowds of people, trying to get to 9 ¾. That's one of the horrible disadvantages of being in a crowd of adults without your own. Everyone just pushes past you like you're not even there. Moronic fuckasses… Eventually I made it there, and I paused to look around for any muggles looking at me. No normal people staring, good. You're probably wondering how I know how to do this right? Well listen here children. Being the oblivious moron I was, I had thought to ask people in Diagon Alley how in the hell I was gonna get to this magicy school. And then, voila! Here I am! Ha. Haha. I'm so dead when I get back from this school. I left the Dursleys a letter explaining where I was going, but I'm sure when I return, they'll beat the shit out of me for leaving. Ohs wells. Ya know, I still find it hard to swallow (*snicker*) that these asshats at my new school knew I was living in a closet, and didn't think to do jack shit about it. Gueeessss what this means?~ I don't get to trust any of the teachers, or the headmaster!~ Yay! Actually no, not yay. I hate having to be on guard. It sucks boobs. Well at least I know I won't have to shove on an ill-fitting mask everyday. Definitely looking forward to that.

Enough stupid thoughts! I sucked in a deep breath and closed my eyes as I ran at the barrier. When I assumed it was safe to open eyes I gazed around me in shock and awe. Holy fuck. It was amazing. A giant red train billowed white clouds into the air and made the area feel even more magical than it already was. Children and their parents bustled around, some crying, some going through their trunks at the last second before they had to leave. Thank god I had packed Casey full of all my things. Less weight motherfuckers! Hooyah! Ahem. Anyways. I slowly walked towards the train as I continued to look around in wonder. I felt a small pang in my chest at the thought of being alone here. I had no one to share this moment with. And I would continue to have no one for as long as I was alive… 'No! I am NOT ruining another moment with my stupid depressing self!'

I shook my thoughts away and boarded the train. Daaamn. Fancy place they got here. I started looking for an empty compartment, but since I was late they were all full of loud chatty people. Haha. Hahahah. No. Fuck that. I kept going, starting to get desperate, when I found one with only a single girl inside. Good enough for me! I hesitantly opened the door and peeked my head inside. "Um.. Would it be alright if I uh, sat here too…?" Fuck fuck fuck, I sound like a fucking moron… The girl turned towards me with a small smile. "Uh.. Sure! I wouldn't mind." Oh nice voice. She had dark brown curly hair and hazel eyes, and I tried to guess her name. Genevieve? Lola? Hannah? Meulin- I'm getting off track aren't I. Why don't I just ask her. Oh hey that's a good idea brain! Thank you Klover that was very nice of you to say! Anytime bro. Wait. I'm talking to myself again. Fuck. Act cool. She probably didn't notice it. Oh hey she's actually got some tits. Nice tits… FUCK FOCUS!

"Thanks." I said as I sat down and put Casey on the ground. I stuck out my hand to her. "So hi. I'm Klover. Klover with a K thank you very much. Nice to meet you." I said firmly.

She giggled quietly, a nice sound I gotta say, and shook my hand. "Klover with a K? Is the K that important?" She was amused with me. Score one for friendship points! "Yes. K is the most important letter in the alphabet." I said seriously. This was no lie. You know I believed it almost religiously since I was younger and it stuck with me to this very today, thank the lord. What would I do without K to worship. She smiled even wider and seemed to glow with happiness. Not literally though. Although that would be really cool… Oh shit she's talking again focus! "I'm Hermione. Hermione Granger." Ooo, that's a nice name. Pretty, and lots of opportunities for nicknames. Fucking score! "Well nice to meet ya babe. What house are you expecting to be in, 'Mione?" I hope she ended up in my house, because lord knows I need at least one friend in this hellhole of a life. And I was probably not going to make many other friends, so I was screwed if she wasn't at least in a house that was cool with mine. Oh look, I'm already assuming she'll stick around long enough to become friends with me. Great job Klover.

"Probably Ravenclaw. I can't really see myself going anywhere else. What about you?" She said with a tilt of her head. Aww, that's so cute! What an adorable little cinnamon roll. And smart too! Hallelujah I've hit the jackpot! Wait stop what you're thinking right now. I just think she's really pretty. And has nice tits. That's all. Nothing more, I swear on anyone named Frederick. Oh right, responding. Damn, I tend to get distracted a lot. Meh. Probably from all the brain damage I've been given over the years. "I'm hoping for Hufflepuff! I really love that house, and I plan on breaking down some stereotypes." I said proudly. Once again, her face lit up like a fucking tree on Christmas Day. "Yo, what you been so happy about motherfucker? You keep havin' that cutesie little smile pop up..." I trailed off, waiting for her to answer. SCREEEEE! SHE'S BLUSHING! Oops. Probably just destroyed your eardrums. Sorry not sorry. "O-Oh, um, sorry, it's just, you're really the first friend I've ever really made, everyone usually just teases me, and I just get really excited and oh hell, I'm scaring you off now aren't I? I'm sorry, I didn't-"

Holy shit could this girl talk. It was adorable how she just kept ranting and ranting. I decided to take pity on her and interject. "Woooah there babe, chill. No need to be sorry. I totally get the excitement, cuz hell, you're my first real friend too. Ya just gotta calm the motherfuck down. Don't worry about your smilin, it's cute as fuck 'Mione."

She flushed red again but appeared to be pleased with herself. "So… We really are friends now?" Oh my god. Oh my god. FRIEND! I HAVE A FRIEND! HALLE FUCKING LUJAH! "Yes yes yes! Abso fuckin lutely! Oh my god this is so great holy shit, how do I even react, I've been waiting so long, wait fuck I'm ranting okay hell, I'll stop now." I babbled on until I had to do this irritating thing called breathing.

Hey wait she's laughing, am I being amusing again? Friendship laughter! Hell yes! "Ahem. So. What's your favorite color? And how do you feel about grey skin and horns?"

"Caramel! And… Okay I guess..?"

I have a feeling this will be a beautiful moira- best friendship.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Thanks to everyone reading. Hmm. Don't like this chapter.**

So for the next few hours of my life I learned more about Hermione and she learned about me. I found out she's also a bookworm who gets good grades. She seemed to be pretty chill with cursing, so that shit was taken care of. Thank Boob Fairy. I don't think I could go without saying fuck. It's my precious baby. Wait that's off topic again. God fucking dammit I really need to get this mental wandering under control. Otherwise I'm pretty sure it'll come back to bite me in the tit. Ahem. Anyways. Hermione. She's a pretty sweet ass girl, and I'm actually really fucking excited to get to know her. I sound like a schoolgirl with her first crush. Fuck my life. I mean she's cute and all, but I'm **11.** I know, I know it's easy to forget with how badass I am, but I am waaay too fucking young to be screwin' bitches yet.

"-over! Klover! Klover!" Oh hey someone's calling my name. Shit I was zoning out, fuck. "Babe, babe, chill. I was just zoning out again, so calm your tits."

Hermione rolled her eyes and swatted at my arm. "You're constantly tuning out. I don't know how you're able to maintain your grades if you can't focus during class."

I pouted. "Hermione I can't help my brain damage! It prevents me from being normal. How dare you make fun of it!" I whined. Come on believe me, I swear it's true. Actually I'm a liar. "You do not have brain damage. You're just too lazy to pay attention." She said blankly.

"Gasp! How did you know?!"

"I'm a wizard."

"..."

It took us all of five seconds to burst into laughter. I was laughing so hard, I rolled off the seat I was on and onto the floor. Like a badass of course. It looked 110% cool. Fuck anyone who says otherwise. Save me a spot in your bed babe, because no one can ever doubt m- "YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!" Hermione shouted in the middle of her laughing.

"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!" I gasped, trying to stop giggling like an idiot. "Whew okay. Okay. Good laugh. But breathing needs to happen 'Mione." Both of us sat there panting for a minute with idiotic smiles on our faces. Huh. That's funny. There was this warm floaty feeling in my chest. Kinda like that time I stole some chicken noodle soup from the Dursleys and heated it up. Except I'm pretty damn sure I haven't eaten any fuckn soup. Holy shit. Was I sick or something? Meh. Whatever. Shrugging and brushing it off, I looked up at Hermione with a grin. "So… We should get dressed in our robes now huh? You get dressed first, and I'll watch!~" ' _Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes.'_

Oh. Wow. This is a strange reaction. Although I don't get out a lot so people are basically foreign fucking aliens to me. Wait do you want to know what she did? Well, Hermione screamed and threw a book at me. I dodged of course, but shit man, did that girl have a set of lungs on her. "YOU PERVERT! NO YOU CAN'T WATCH! I'M GETTING DRESSED IN THE BATHROOMS!" She screeched before stomping out of the compartment.

Hehe, she was blushing too. Score for me!~ I glanced at my (stolen) watch and saw that oh flying fuck fairies we were going to be at Hogwarts really soon. Soon as in, ladies and gentlemen we will be touching down in five minutes. I dug around in Casey, who honestly is just my lover at this point, and pulled out my awesome black robes. Not my favorite color, but good enough. Besides they were much better than the fucking scrub clothes I usually have to wear.

I snickered and flopped on the bench and laid in a seductive pose, waiting for Hermione to get back. She might just flip her shit, but meh. It would be funny as hell. And as a bonus, she would be all flustered and I could earn more winner points. This is obviously the best way to make friends. Right? I mean most of my knowledge is from books and movies. Eh what the fuck ever. I'm sure this shit'll work out. The door slid open and Hermione stepped into the compartment with a confused look on her face. "Take me now sweetheart, and fuck me into oblivion."

Oh my god her face is so red! I immediately burst into laughter as she sputtered and blubbered incoherently. Good lord it was even better than I imagined! "O-Oh God that was perfect 'Mione! You're so red!" I managed to spit out between laughs.

She was glaring at me, score! But then she said something that stopped my laughter faster than the time Vernon punched me in the throat for laughing at Dickley. "Okay. Bend over and we can get started."

Oh sweet Jesus I swear my brain just developed a hernia. I choked on air and started blushing horribly. Ah shit man, this is not cool. Now I'm the fucking flustered one. Dirty shit fillin' my brain oh my fucking God. Well crap, she's the one laughing now instead. That little shit. "That was completely unfair! How dare you turn my own words against me!" Ah good I managed to stop dying long enough to spit out a response. A shitty response, but hey, beggars can't be choosers.

Her clearly inferior retort was cut off before it began when a voice blasted through the train. "Attention all students, we will be arriving at Hogwarts in seven minutes." Nervousness hit me like a 3000 pound dildo. "Ohmygodohmygod Hermione what the fuck are we gonna do shit shit shit what if I'm not really magical OH FUCKTOOTH WHAT IF THEY SEND ME BACK HOME?! WHAT IF I ACCIDENTALLY TURN SOMEONE INTO A CAKE?! WHAT IF SOMETHING EXPLODES- MMF!" Hermione covered my mouth her hand and patted my head.

"Shhhh, calm yourself. Everything will be fine child." She said calmly.

"Right. Right. Okay. Chill. I didn't just have a freak out, what're you talking about?" I stated cooly.

Hermione rolled her eyes as she grabbed her trunk and I grabbed my glorious lover Casey. "Onwards to the hallway!" I shouted while I threw open the compartment like a badass. I marched down the hallway like an awesome soliderey guy dude and 'Mione followed me, giggling like the adorable child she was. We were almost out! Except. I ran into some blonde fucker who suddenly popped out of a compartment. We tumbled to the floor and for a moment, we were a mess of tangled limbs. When I finally managed to get to my feet, 'Mione was laughing like a moron behind me, and blonde fucker was on the floor scowling. "Woah there lil bro, sorry 'bout that. Lemme help you up!" I said in a chipper voice as I extended my hand towards him. Why chipper? Because I said so.

And you know what that little bitch did? He fucking slapped my hand away and pulled himself up. What the fuck. "Watch where you're going scum." He sneered and then pranced (Yes, fucking pranced!) off with two stockier boys who also glared at me.

"...that motherfucking dick balloon! I offer my hand to him and he just flounces off like he's the Queen of fucking England! What an asshole!" I fumed as I began stalking down the hallway once again.

Hermione kept pace with me and had a thoughtful look. "He seemed to be rather pompous, so I'm assuming he's most likely a pureblood."

"...the fuck is a pureblood?"

"A pureblood is someone in the wizarding world who comes from a noble line of only wizards. No muggle blood in them. They often think of themselves as better than other wizards and quite a few of them use derogatory slurs against those who aren't pureblood. Usually they're very rich and many families hold a large amount of influence in the ministry. Some were allied with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named in the past and have gained a reputation as dark- mmf!"

I placed my hand over her mouth to stop her mid-rant. "Wooahh there 'Mione, slow your roll. My brain doesn't work as fast, remember? Now, two questions. One, there's some fucked up system in the wizarding world based on the purity of your blood? And what's all this 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named' business?" Seriously, what was with humans- I mean. Creatures? Aliens? Things? And thinking it was okay to judge people on something as silly as their blood? Fucking stupid, that's what that shit was.

We reached the door leading to the outside and leaned against one of the walls, waiting for the train to stop. 'Mione turned to me and started speaking again: "Yes unfortunately, there is some bias and discrimination against those with lower blood status by those of pureblood status. But hang on, you don't know who He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is? He was a wizard who went bad, and became enthralled with Dark Magic." She paused for moment and bit her lip. "...his name was V-Voldemort. He hated Muggles and anyone not of pureblood status. He murdered hundreds of witches and wizards and had a large band of loyal followers, called Death Eaters…"

Woah. Shit man, that got waaay more intense than I expected it to. Huh. I guess I just found the Grand High Blood of this universe. That's really not a comforting thought. Like at all. Holy fuck, I don't wanna be in a war about blood! Noooo-! Wait crap-fuck, Hermione's talking again.

"-and he's dead now. Ten years ago, he went to attack the Potter family. He killed both of the parents, but when he tried to kill their one year old daughter, he wasn't able to for some reason. The baby, Clover Potter, lived and was sent away to live with relatives. She's extremely famous in the wizarding world and regarded as The Chosen One by many, but she hasn't been seen in all these years. I heard she's going to be at Hogwarts this year too!" Hermione seemed excited, and more than a bit starstruck as fuck.

My mouth went dry, and I felt my body locking up. "...oh my fucking lord." I muttered.

And then my legs went out from under me.

 **A/N: Hello everyone! So I saw a guest say that Hermione was OOC and that Klover didn't talk like a normal person and that I should change that. On the Hermione thing, I warned you that she would be OOC :3. Sorry, but she will not be like canon Hermione. Hope you can find it in you to enjoy this anyways. On the Klover situation, I'm confused as to what you mean by 'speaking normal'. If you mean by her excessive swearing, I won't change that. It's part of her personality to swear a lot and she enjoys doing it. If you mean the fact that she has strange swears such as 'dick balloon' then I will not change that either. It keeps me interested in writing this story, trying to come up with creative insults. So now that I've cleared this up, hope you like this story besides these things. Thank you for your feedback!**


	6. AN Unfortunately

**A/N: So poll results and reviews are in, and it looks as if a majority of you would prefer if Klover bashed both the Weasleys and Dumbledore. Then that's what I'll do. Klover will not hate the twins however, as I plan to make the three of them close friends in the future. Thank you to everyone who voted, and I will try and get a chapter up as soon as possible. But right now I've seemed to have entered a DaveKat writing streak, so I'll be working on those first. I'm going to shamelessly self-promote myself here and recommend you go and read them. They're not TOO bad I think, so you may enjoy them. I don't know. Thanks for reading, and go enjoy other stories. Adios.**


End file.
